Sophia's First Game

Introducing our little Yankees fan.

Never mind that the Yankees are off to a terrible start (save A-Rod's brilliant April). Never mind that the Yankees can't seem to learn the lesson that you can't buy World Series rings without cultivating home grown talent. And never mind that knocking down Yankee stadium so Steinbrenner & Co. can build some fancy sky boxes has Babe, Lou, Joe, Mickey, and Thurman rolling over in their graves.

Friends Stu and Ruthie accompanied us to the game yesterday.
Jeez, do I look like crap! Stu is a Mets fan.
Never forget that one of the Yankee greats,
Willie Randolph, manages the Mets!

Never mind all that for yesterday was Sophia's first trip to the "House That Ruth Built" to root, root, root for the home team. Unfortunately, they didn't win and it was a crying shame, especially since we were playing the dreaded Red Sox, her mom's home team, and the long-time enemies to Yankee fans across the globe. During the game Sophia wouldn't even take her mother's milk, saying that if she was a Red Sox fan it must be tainted with the nasty chemical fillers from Fenway Franks.

Even at such a young and innocent age, my little Sophia knows the truth!

When Sophia and I walked into the stadium together, she tethered to my chest on the baby bjorn, she was greeted by everyone from the ticket taker to the NYC policeman to the hat store saleswoman with a smile and a cheerful Yankee stadium greeting of "Go Yanks! Red Sox Suck!" It was, to Sophia's great disappointment the Yankee pitching that sucked yesterday, and the Yanks got clobbered. But as Sophia and all Yankee fans know, tomorrow is another day and we've never waited eighty-odd years to win a World Series.

I love my mommy even though she roots for the Red Sox.

While sitting in our great seats behind home plate, I told Sophia about all of the great times I shared with her Grandpa Allen at the stadium over the years, and how together (despite the vociferous objections of her mother) we would carry on the Yudell family tradition of rooting for the Yanks. I also told her how much her Grandpa would have loved to have taken her to her first baseball game, and how much he missed her. And just how much we missed him.

Feeding Time

Today our little Sophia had her first non-boob milk meal. Teaching a 5-month-old to eat a slice a pizza like a New Yorker was a challenge, so we had to resort to the food processor and mush it up so we could spoon feed it to her. Needless to say, she loved it and asked for more.

We ran out of pizza quickly so we had to feed her organic rice cereal sweetened with Jacqui's milk. Yum, yum. When we fed that to her, she had this "why are you feeding me this crap!" look on her face. But she ate it anyway, washed it down with some of Jacqui's magic milk, and promptly took a nap. Now we await the gift she will give on the other end...

Like a mad scientist, Jacqui prepares the concoction of rice cereal and boob milk.

Daddy was the lucky guy to feed Sophia her first meal. By the look on her face, I think she is wondering just what the heck am I going to do to her with that tasteless crap in the blue bowl.

Hmmmnn, not that bad!

Finger looking good.

Where's the beef?

What is this mush?!?

Cycle 5A

It has been 3 weeks since my last chemo admission, and today I am scheduled to start cycle 5A. I am waiting for the call from the hospital to see if they have a bed for me, and it will be another weekend getting pumped full of toxic chemicals.

NOT!!!

Ding, dong the witch is dead...

My recovery from almost 8 months of chemo is progressing, albeit slowly. My marrow is so devastated from 8 rounds of HYPER-CVAD that I feel hollow, and as a result my hemoglobin and platelets are low and will remain so for another few weeks. Because my hemoglobin is low, and because I've been through hell, I tire pretty easily and require at least a nap a day.

I have gotten back to work, but my time in the office usually lasts for just a few hours. On Monday I spent half a day at work and then in the evening sat on a panel about science and ethics at the Wilma theater downtown. It was the first time I really had to use my brain in a very long time (other than to decide whether I'd have vegetable or tomato soup for lunch), and with my hemoglobin low I was nervous that I'd just stare blankly into the theater lights in response to a question, or else embarrass myself by uttering something completely stupid or nonsensical. My response to the first question was a bit rambling, but I managed to summon some extra hemoglobin for the evening, and things didn't go so badly after all.

So no more chemo folks and that, I have to admit, feels a bit strange. I've been actively fighting lymphoma for all this time, and now, even though I am lymphoma free, and even though the future is bright and filled with hope, there is something unsettling about the transition to normalcy. Normalcy is not what it once was for us. I am a cancer survivor, and with that comes so much. So much, in fact, that I am going to save those thoughts for tomorrow.

High Chair

The Pep Talk

For my entry today, I wanted to share with you an email exchange with Lisa Downs, the nurse practitioner who is the coordinator of the Lymphoma Program at Penn, and is a partner of Steve Schuster, my doctor. She has been my number one source of information and support as I've gone through chemo.

From: Michael Yudell
Sent: Mon 4/23/2007 1:47 PM
To: Downs, Lisa
Subject: Pep Talk


Hey,

I need a pep talk. I know "pep talker" is probably not in your job description, but given your experience with this nonsense, and given how your talk the other night (at the Lymphoma Research Foundation meeting) was sort of a pep talk, I figured you'd be up for the job.

You guys got me through this in one piece, minus of course, the now vanquished lymphoma.

And I don't need to tell you what a positive attitude I've had about going through this. I know you've seen that.

But now that treatment is behind me, and it is time to watch again (a fact Steve reminded me of this morning with his "we need to image you" comment"--couldn't he have waited a few weeks before he reminded me that this will go on for many years to come) I could use some suggestions on the transition back to being a patient in the clinic again. And I could use some peppy statements about what lies ahead for me, if you think that that is medically appropriate.

I know you guys can't promise me a thing. That is not what I am looking for. As a matter of fact, I am not sure what I am looking for.

But maybe you know what I am looking for? Other than my hair, of course.

Any thoughts?

___________________________________

From: Lisa Downs
Date: April 23, 2007 2:16:30 PM EDT
To: Michael Yudell

Yeah, this is always a stressful time for people. You have to transition from actively fighting the disease to feeling like you are a sitting duck again. There isn't much you can do other than try to relax and get on with other things. We have so many people that are years out and getting back to what life is all about. It will be really good for you. Concentrate on what used to make you happy, your daughter and your wife. I think once the imaging is over you will relax again. People always freak out at every scan. Steve could have waited a few weeks to tell you that, he just isn't as senstive as me!! Remember, this is what you have been waiting for, cancer free and you don't need chemo. That is what this has all been about. What lies ahead for you is hopefully nothing but what you make. You have a career to think about and a college fund to start for your kid. Pour yourself back into what a young adult would normally think of. As time goes by it will get easier. It will be more real when your hair does come back too. Oh, and plan that vacation!!
I will need to write pep talker into my resume...

The Tank Is Not Mine

At around 5:3opm this afternoon, Jacqui, Sophia, and I walked out of HUP following my final neutropenic fever lock down. We are so happy to have this all behind us. It's been 7 1/2 months of this. Hard to believe. But we're done.

No more chemo. No more neutropenic fevers. No more lymphoma.

By the way, I am certainly not looking my best, but the crappy photo above, taken with my phone, makes me look horrible. And the oxygen tank next to the stroller is not mine, so don't freak out.

Thanks again to the amazing team of doctors and nurses and support staff who got me through this is one piece. I love you all.

Thanks to all of you out there who have been so supportive and loving through all of this. I love you all too.

And thanks to Jacqui, Sophia, my mom and dad and sister, and Jacqui's parents Alan and Debbie who've all been incredible. And, wow, do I love you guys.

Still Here

God, do I miss being at home with my baby girl.

Counts finally heading north. Hopefully I am out of here tomorrow.

Nite, nite.

Stuck in Neutral

My white count showed a little activity and ticked up a notch today, but lacks the spunk needed to get me out of here by tomorrow. Plus, my hemoglobin and platelets dropped again (all normal), so I'll need more blood and platelets today.

I am really getting my money's worth from this final round.

Did anybody watch Alberto Gonzalez testify before Congress this morning? What a weasel. Guess it's time for the President to give him the Presidential Medal of Freedom or something like that.

And check out this nonsense out of Bush's Justice Department...

http://www.realcities.com/mld/krwashington/17102317.htm

Just My Luck

I am at the tail end of my B cycle neutropenia, but in my post-chemo world that doesn't matter much because methotrexate and cytaribine are still doing a number on my marrow, my counts are still in the crapper, and I popped a fever this afternoon while getting another bag o'platelets and 2 units of blood. BUMMER.

So I am officially locked away until my white count recovers into non-neutropenic territory, a feat that should be on Thursday or Friday once the Neulasta (the drug that builds back up your white count) kicks on.

As a going away present for my patience and success in chemotherapy, the hospital gave me one of the two fancy rooms on Rhoads 6--marble bathroom, wood molding and all. These rooms were built for patients enduring extra-long hospital stays for transplants, but one of them was empty tonight and I was lucky enough to get it. So this is it. The final stretch. Almost there.

Doh!

Just 48-72 more hours and I'll be over my final neutropenic hurdle. Unfortunately, I am feeling like crap now, and heading over to the clinic for counts and maybe some blood. My temperature has been hovering close to the red zone, so I am a little nervous that they'll lock me up for the next few days. That would suck. Wish me luck.

Grandma Loves Sophia

Tank Empty Again

Well, I made it through the weekend without popping a neutropenic fever. But the tank is empty again, and I am on my way into clinic for blood counts, and, I assume, a few more units of blood and some platelets.

Last night I watched the Yankees and Mariano Rivera blow a 4-2 lead in the 9th to the A's. A walk-off home run clinched it for the Athletics. As soon as I saw that ball flying over the fence, I instinctively reached for the phone to call my dad, something we'd both do during high and lowlights of Yankee games.

Neutropenic Rage

My final neutropenic crash came yesterday, and it is a whopper (minus a fever, thankfully). My counts were OK on Wednesday, but by yesterday they were almost at bottom, with white cells, platelets, and hemoglobin heading due south. To get me through the weekend without stroking out or bleeding to death I received 2 units of blood and a bag of platelets late yesterday in clinic and felt better almost immediately (a feeling, which is, of course, relative to my general crappy condition).

I'll go back in for a blood count check Monday morning to see where things are at, and see if I need more blood to get me through this final neutropenia. My immune system probably won't kick back on until at least next Wednesday, so I am laying low at home until then, forced to subdue my outrage at the crazy week that was in the world lest I upset myself to the point where I pop a neutropenic fever and end up septic.

I was never a big fan of the K Car, but former Chrysler Chairman Lee Iacocca really hits it as far as why things are so messed up in this excerpt from his new book:

http://www.bordersstores.com/features/feature.jsp?file=wherehavealltheleadersgone

Jacqui's Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

Jacqui, the superwoman who has taken care of me nonstop these last 7 months, traveled to Boston yesterday for her Uncle's funeral, officially becoming the Mother Teresa of the Jewish people. She left the house at 7am, breast pump in hand (so her boobs didn't explode), flew into Logan, went to the funeral and shiva, and was forced to take a 5 1/2 hour Amtrak ride back because her return flight was canceled due to snow. It was her first day away from Sophia, and she ran into the house at 9:30, grabbed our little girl, nursed her into sweet oblivion, and put her down to sleep.

Sophia and I were so happy to have Jacqui back at home, and we thought about her all day, but we were glad that she could be with her family during this difficult time.

Chemo + President=Serious Nausea

My recovery from cycle 4B continues apace, and I am resting comfortably at home. Right now, little Sophia is cuddled up next to me, having finishing her morning feeding. Jacq has the lucky duty of making me breakfast. There is nothing like challah french toast to ease to post-B-cycle blues.

My brain is still mush, so I've got nothing exciting to report here for the moment other than to say that not even a chemo-induced stupor can dull the senses to the point where watching our President doesn't make the nausea worse.

The Beginning of the Beginning

Super nurses Kim and Renee hung my final bag of chemo earlier this afternoon, and by 2:30 I was chemo complete and on my way home for a long, long nap. There is so much to say, but I think it is going to take me a day or two to get out all that is on my mind about being done. For now though, it's bedtime.

It is good to be lymphoma free.

It is good to be chemo free.

It is good to be home with my wife, my baby, my doggie, my mom, and my sister.

Until tomorrow then...

Bitter and Sweet

Tonight marks my final night as an inpatient non-Hodgkin's lymphoma chemotherapy patient at Penn. Given my B-cycle track record it possible that I'll make one final return to the floor next week for a neutropenic fever, but maybe we'll get lucky, especially given all that we've been through these last 7 months, and just have a few crappy feverless days on the couch at home. Wish us luck.

It has been a sad day again in the Rick-Yudell orbit. This morning Jacqui's uncle Billy (her father's brother) passed away following his battle with kidney cancer, and we mourn his loss dearly. That marks the third death in a year in our immediately family. I did not know Billy well, but I know how much he meant to Jacqui's father Alan and to his family and I offer my deepest condolences to them during this time of sorrow.

It has also been a sad day here on Rhoads 6, which seems to have a disproportionate share of young cancer patients in their teens and twenties, one of whom, a 25-five-year-old, is not expected to make it through the night. My heart is broken for him and his lovely family. No mother or father should have to nurse their child to their grave.

So it is with both sadness and hope that I spend my final night here. Profoundly aware of mortality, yet confident that I have a long and healthy life ahead.

Godspeed William Rick. May you and your family find peace now and always.

Goodbye Methotrexate, Hello Switzerland!

Last night, just after the Anchluss and around the time Maria and Captain Von Trapp returned from their honeymoon, my final bag of methotrexate stopped dripping. A few minutes after, the Von Trapp Family Singers started singing "Goodbye, Farewell", and I am now halfway through the dreaded B cycle. So far so good.

But it wasn't a total goodbye, farewell. I still have the cytarbine to get through, and the first of four bags of that life saving gunk started flowing through the IV just as that Nazi-rat Rolfe, having heard Leisl's gasp, blew his whistle and called for the Lieutenant. Thankfully, the Von Trapps, with the help of the Sisters, eluded the cluchtes of the evil Nazis and escaped into Switzerland and then the United States for a quiet life of singing, waxing cross country skis, and serving hot chocolate in Stowe, Vermont at the Von Trapp Family Lodge.

The Strike Has Ended

After around-the-clock negotiations, me and my platelets have agreed to begin my final round of chemo today and my platelets, as of this morning, are recovered to chemo safe territory.

Here is the official statement released at 4am following the settlement which sent the platelets back to work in my marrow:

"After days of lengthy good-faith negotiations, Mike Yudell and his platelets have agreed to proceed with the final cycle of R-HYPER CVAD. The agreement which makes this possible, entered into on this day, the fifth of April , 2007, requires the following of both parties":
a) Mike Yudell will, in good faith, do his best to eat well, stay in shape, and reduce stress to reduce chances of lymphoma ever recurring;
b) Mike Yudell will never refer to his platelets as pesky ever again. Should platelets be slow to recover following the final B cycle, Yudell will only refer to them as "my incredible platelets, which in the face of being treated with horrible toxic chemicals, are doing the best they can do to replenish my bone marrow and do that thing that platelets do."
c) Yudell's platelets, herein referred to simply as "platelets", will work hard to recover following this final B-cycle; and, finally,
d) Yudell's platelets will use their influence on marrow neighbor's to insure a healthy and active immune system that will continually seek out any mutant or carcinogenic lymphocytes.

There is no room for me in the hospital tonight, so I will not be starting chemo until morning. My platelets and me (and Jacq, Sophia, and my mom) are heading out for a nice dinner.

Negotiations Set To Resume Tomorrow

My platelets are still holding out, but have agreed to sit down tomorrow morning to try to hammer out an agreement. Hopefully one can be reached quickly, and chemo can resume by noon tomorrow. I'll keep you posted.

Opening Day

Today was opening day at Yankee Stadium and boy do I miss my dad. With my chemo almost behind me, and a healthy and hopeful future ahead, today marks the return of one of the wonderful ways my dad and I used to communicate for seven months of the year. And now I am left with a wife who is a Red Sox fan, a mother and sister who know not from baseball, and a daughter who my father, so overjoyed at finally having a grandchild, gave permission to be a Red Sox fan. Would it be wrong of me not to honor my father's dying wish? Absolutely not! I am writing off this alleged dying wish to cancer-related delirium.

So on this opening day I find myself alone. Yes, there are millions of Yankees fans out there, but none out there to comfort me with a phone call about the Yankees pitching problems, none who shared with me the joy of watching Thurman Munson hustle out a triple as I spilled an entire large coke on myself in the blazing summer heat from the first row on the third base line at Yankee stadium, none to explain to me that not all the Yankees (and not most people in the world) were Jewish, none on whose shoulders I rested in the right field bleachers at Yankee stadium as Reggie Jackson hit his second of three home runs in game six of the 1977 World Series, and none with whom I could argue about how George Steinbrenner was the worst thing to happen to baseball since the 1919 Chicago Black Sox scandal. None who are my dad.

The Yankees won their home opener today.

Strike!

With my marrow worn down from seven rounds of chemo, my platelets have unionized and gone on strike until further notice, so there will be no chemo today. Negotiations with my platelets began in good faith earlier today, and we have assured them only one more round of chemo. This cannot be guaranteed forever, but we have promised at least 5-10 years chemo free. I have the best lawyers representing me, but my marrow has also retained fine lawyers, and, frankly, has the upper hand in negotiations.

I am threatening to postpone our trip to the Caribbean as a negotiating ploy, and that seems to have got the platelets attention. They walked out of our meeting just thirty minutes ago. Talks are set to resume Wednesday.

Sophia in Solidarity (and Otis too)